It is the destiny of the intelligent to know pain and suffering. For his mind is all too aware of its environment and is always too capable of interpreting how that environment effects & affects him.-EJF

 Sometimes I believe that those among us who are without the blessing/curse of intelligence have a distinct advantage over those of who do. How? Well, they are free to maneuver through life without a sense of long term consequence. The surface of any situation is the only real part of it to them thus they are not forced to deal with the intricacies of deep and often troubling thought. I myself am haunted by intelligence along with a little nymph called curiosity. Together these two elements have herded me down the road of almost certain self destruction and it seems I am powerless to stop it.

 Imagine a pure bred race horse with a full chest, strong legs and speed like a bullet. Good no? Now I ask you to look closer and see that this horse is mad. Damn near untamable and thus useless. I use that analogy from time to time to describe what it feels like in my mind. Because of my affliction of intelligence and curse of curiosity, I am unable to believe that any pool is shallow because it looks so on the surface. No, I must jump in and see how deep it is, meanwhile forgetting that I cannot swim. Now here I am drowning in my own curiosity looking for a way out while still trying to figure out how deep the pool real is.

All those who know me would count me among the intelligent and some may envy my “Gifts”. They would say” He’s a personable fellow with a great sense of humor.” What they don’t know is that I cry inside almost daily.

  There will be unending tears of frustration, pain, misery & exhaustion rolling down the face of my mind. Why did I have to be SO different? I enjoy being unique but damn!! I think all things must have a limit. Sometimes I fall into the fugue of depression when I think about it too long, which only makes it worse. Couple that raving madness with a violent temper and you can see why I cry inside.

 I try to drink the demons away but the shit doesn’t work. I’ve tried almost every drug except heroin, crack and those party drugs that are so popular now days to no avail. Religion holds no comfort for me because in my heart I do not believe, though I play along with my family, so they will accept me. Meditation doesn’t work because my mind moves to quickly & I have two small children here who need my constant attention. So I am forced to deal with it in anyway I can. Don’t misunderstand. It is not a daily battle. I can compare it to migraine headaches. It comes unexpectedly and can last for days. When my demons do come to play, they don’t like to go home. But they do eventually. I’m saddened by this because I know my respite is fleeting and that they will be back and I will have to play with them.

I will be eternally & internally begging for a momentary release from my mind. I think that one day I will find the balance between intelligence & ignorance and stop driving those closest to me mad. Until that day comes, I cry.