As some of you may or may not know, I'm not a  normal cat. Hell, I'm downright loony sometimes!! There have been those who would grant me the title of genius I don't know if I agree or not. But  I am a genius, then I say there is a thin line between genius and madness!!I have been walking that line for sometime now. These last two months have been hell on earth for me. The tragic part about it all is that it is a hell of my own design. I personally created the most miserable enviroment imaginable for myself. The sole purpose of this place was to facilitate my own personal suffering. Sad ain't it? Why did I do such a thing? I'll tell you: I jealously guarded all of my Baggage, Drama, Grudges. I guess I needed somewhere to wallow in them without the threat of common sense easing in.It was also due to an inability to forgive,I decided to live in the past. Get the picture?. Now I'm not going to go into detail about this whole thing but suffice it to say that it took me hitting rock bottom, and I mean BOTTOM. In order to see what it was that i was doing to myself and my family.

 Have you ever been lost? In the mall,in your car? In a strange neighborhood? Anywhere? Can you remember that sense of dread that you would never find your way out and back on familiar ground? As soon as panic was starting to set in,you see something familiar and then another that in turn leads you to the place you were heading all along? I have been lost inside of my own stubborn mind for sometime now. I have also been ignoring those little signs that would have lead me  out.I was unwilling to even attemp to find my way out of that personal hell, I drove deeper into it. Comfortable in that misery because it was mine. No one was hurting me there. I wasn't vulnerable there. It was MY hell.Unfortunatley I became so afraid of life outside that hell that I was afraid  to leave it. I became so afraid of so many things for so many different reasons that I stopped. My life can be compared to the frozen existence you TiVo users subject your favorite shows to. My ability to love stopped, but its essence continued on somewhere. My ability to trust stopped , but the hope of it continued on. I was on pause for so long that I  gave up my will to move forward,to try recover,to love, even to live.

Yeah, The Que. Big life himself,the lover of the mystery of life,music and mere existence, for a moment, lost his will to live. It scared me to the core. I felt ashamed of my behavior,my thoughts. I could barely look friends and family in the eye. My shame was so deep that I avoided looking into my own face in the mirror. I sought guidance in my personal angels, my best freinds, my family... The Diva & Christopher David.

They talked,I listened. They talked and I tried to rationalized,they talked on.They forced me to listen to reason.They forced me to remember who & whjat I was before I consumed myself with things I had no control of. Like I said earlier I sought refuge in the personal hell governed by: Baggage,Grudges,Stubborness. In my darkest hour they held me down. I am grateful that I have been allowed these two in my life. So to the I grant these accolades:

To Cuzzo: We never finished our conversation,but you said enough. I will always value your insights and humble wisdom. I love You and what you are: A man, A Brother, A Muse, My Cousin, my Friend.

                                                                              -Always in All Ways

                                                                                        Eric

To The Diva: You know better than anyone how much pain I have caused. To myself and to others. Yet you stay and help me time in and time out. I may have lost my faith, but I do believe in you. You are more than a  Sister,more than a Woman, it would be well within my understanding to say that you are compassion made flesh. I could not have made it as I have without you. Thank you Sis for keeping an eye on your crazy little brother.If my past is any indication , I ask only this of you: Don't go too far, I may have need of you again. 

To say I love you both would do no justice to the feeling I have for you. So allow me this mathematical expression :

                                                     Evaluate: L = Love to the 100th Power

                                                           100 ( L x L )  +  100( L X L )

 

That just being an Iota.

                                                                                                     A Million Thanx & Eternal Love

                                                                                                            Eric

 

 I'm not out of the darkness completely but thank to the Light of these two I can find my way back. It is torturously slow but like The Diva told me : "Keep moving on. Remember who you are and where you com from and keep moving forward." I'm moving. I'm on my way.

 

So before I go Iwould like to amend the title of this post:

The darkness of a tortured soul is absolute...only if that soul is lost to those who love him best.

                                                                                                                  Poppaque

the only thing that i will say is that someway/somehow you MUST find your faith again, believe me, IT'S A MUST!!! Love ya!

so many of us (including me) find comfort in our own shit. we're so used to it we actually believe being there makes sense. but like i said in my novel: "Funny how we never intend for our past lives to take center stage in our present life, but somehow, through some will of its own, it always does."

We are not our past. We are not our mistakes. And indeed, you are on your way...

Just to let everyone know that the anonymous post was from me, I must've been having a brain fart at the time...LOL:)