It has been almost a month since I broke up with my fiance. The misery of loss is not so strong now. I have moments when I see two people together obviously in love that I mourn my own love lost. But I smile and say to myself " I will love again".

The hardest part of all this is getting used to looking out for myself before anyone else. I have been protector and provider for so long that it is difficult to fill the time. I am still looking for work. My money is short so I have to pinch pennies. Hanging out consist of walking around Bed stuy doing absolutely nothing until I'm bored enough to go home.

I guess you can say that I am going stir crazy, (just a bit). Not having a schedule or somewhere to be or someone expecting me, after so many years of structure and responsibility all this free time is driving me nuts!

I hope to be employed within a week or so. That'll give me something to do. I'll be looking for an apartment in the coming weeks. That should kill a LOT of time. I figure about 3 more months of up in the air before I am able to settle into a new life completely. I hope to return to school for the summer semester. I had to drop out because I missed to many classes during that two week hell I went through in the begining of all this. Too far behind to catch up so I withdrew so as not to jack up my GPA.

I have learned a lot from all of this. I have come to see just how strong and intelligent I really am. I have also come to realize that my dream of a family was my own,and that I cannot make anyone love me.They will or they won't. I can't control it. I've also come to realize that chasing beauty for the sake of beauty is a fool's race. It takes more than physical attraction to maintain a healthy relationship.

 One of the most important things I'm learning can be summed up in three words: Be Here Now.

 I have to stop worrying about tomorrow and live for today.

So, to a new life and outlook!

Cheers!! []>       <----That's a Beer!!

PoppaQue

I love the way you write, you are doing an excellent work.
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Backgammon Game

I don't know you and I was just surfing and started reading your everyday posting. Although this is a late response to what you have written, here goes.

I am not really familiar with the situation with you and your ex fiance, but was it your fault that the marriage or the relationship never happened? I read that you were in school full time and now you need to find a job to make ends meet, were you taking care of home or was she the supportive person is this relationship - so that you can further your education?