These last few days have been hell on a stick!! I 'm sick as a dog: 101 temp, chest pains & coughing, headaches, my body is wracked in pain. So too is my heart & soul. I've come to realize in the last few days that I am miserable. The hardest part is figuring out why I'm so miserable. I have good job that I love. It does not pay what I wish it did but i have been here only a short while and there is room for growth and I must bide my time. I have a decent social life now. I hang out often and have  a damn good time too. I'm not getting around with the ladies like I was before. Most of them pissed me off for one reason or another or they just weren't doing it for me or whatever, so I mean I guess that could be a factor.

I'm begining to wonder if I'm just not satisfied with my life  I feel almost helpless to do anything about it. I don't have the disposable income to get a new hobby like judo, rock climbing, yoga, or some other martial arts. Nor do I have the funds to go back to school like I planned ( I owe the damn $600).

I'm just in the damn dumps right now. I keep having these dreams were I'm a part of something but I don't know what it is. There's a whole lot of things going on. Each of them are very important but I have no idea what my role is so I usually just go along. My ex is in each dream, taunting me and waiting for me to fuck everything up. What the hell does this all mean?

I'm miserable, Plain & Simple.

PoppeQue

 

 

 

 I am about to change again. I am getting fed up with my life again. Not in a totally bad way, just in the sense that I am I’m bored with the way things are. My career is fine, I still don’t make the money that I’d like to make but I understand that ambition requires sacrifice so I’m dealing with that as it comes.

 The main thing that bores me is this single life. I mean on one hand having complete and total freedom to do what ever I want whenever I want with whomever I want is appealing, the downside is the lonely nights, not having someone to talk to about everything and nothing.  There is no one who genuinely cares about me, and my well being.

 

But there is a problem…

 

 The problem is me. I have lost that thing that allows all those others to come to fruition. It is the one thing that a relationship cannot survive without. That little ingredient is Trust. Since I’ve been dating again I’ve dated a few married women, women with boyfriends, fiancé’s and some with girlfriends. I would say that 90% of the women I’ve dated in the last few months have been involved in one way or the other with someone else while dating me. It’s disheartening that I can say that. It is sad as well.

 

 I’ve gone so far as to join a few dating websites to change things up a little but no luck there either. I’ve gotten some numbers and hooked up a few times but there has only been one potential connection but she flaked on me for no reason and she lived too damn far away. The rest of them are either potheads, too slutty, they have too many children, still with an ex-boyfriend, live with their parents or want sugar daddy.

 

 The women on the street all claim to have boyfriends but still take my number but then don’t call. They also give their number but then they are too busy to converse or go hang out. What’s the point? I mean I don’t want to give up but damn!! What’s a man to do?

 

 There has to be an intelligent & honest black women out there who has the strength to get to know me. I say strength because I know I can be very demanding at times and it usually pisses people off at first but the ones who stick around for a while learn that I demand much of people because I offer much in return…

 

Anyway, I guess I’ve gone on for long enough. …

 

Laters

 

Que

Family, we all have them but we don't all love them like we should. I mean I come from a huge family, though it was mostly my moms and aunts family that hung out thru the years. You know, Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc. I guess I can consider myself blessed in the regard that not many people with large families actually get together anymore. I mean we get together for EVERYTHING. We've even begun new family traditions so that we can get together more than most families. Like Mother's day. My cousin Chris started hosting mother's day dinner about 4 or 5 yrs ago. My sister started New Years dinner at about the same time; I’ve done it twice since my sis moved to Jersey a few years ago. I got tired of father's day just being another holiday so I started hosting father's day at my own home 2 yrs ago, my cousin Pat hosted it last year. I can’t host anything this coming year until I get a bigger place. Long story… for earlier blogs. Check the archives!

I love my family. True we don't all get along all the time (a given) but we do stick together. I’m proud of my family too. I have a published author and entrepreneur in the family.  I have another cousin who is a Harvard Law grad in the family. A nurse, and two accountants. My sister is an executive secretary in a fortune 500 company. My brother in law runs a warehouse for a construction company. Me? Well, I’m a Transportation Coordinator with the 2^nd largest Black Tie Limo service in the country. I recently was promoted to the Sony/Entertainment dept so I’m handling the transportation of the various Sony artists, A & R’s, Exec’s. I’m working on making my mark. In time, in time.

I listen to people on the job talking about their boring holidays because they have little or no family to deal with. And sometimes they do have family but just don't like them very much. I feel for them and realize how blessed I am.

The biggest challenge in life to date is being a DAD. I swear, the shit is hard as hell but I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing that may impact them in a negative way and give them issues that they'll deal with for the rest of their lives. I go out of my way to let them know that I love them and will support them in all they do as long as it’s done with the best of their ability. I'm hard on them because I know that the world will be hard on them once they leave the nest. I want to raise educated, eclectic, sensitive yet tough women (and hopefully a son). Hell, Lanique listens to classical music already!!!! Lanique wants to be an artist and I swear she owns more drawing material than I’ve ever owned in my life. Ka'meira wants to be a boxer as far as I know since she likes hitting Lanique so much (they fight like two strange cats in a small room). But I'll encourage her if that’s what she wants to do. I spoil them rotten but I discipline the hell out off them too. That’s the hard part, giving them equal amounts of love and discipline. But I will do my best.

What do you appreciate?   Why?

It's tuesday and I finally have  the next two days off!!! I've been working like a mad man these last few days, and I have nothing to do for thenext two days and I can't wait. I can get my house clean (don't ask). I can finally do my laundry and get some reading done. Basically I can be by myself for the next few days.

The lady and I had a scare the other day but we made it through (at least i hope so). Of course it was my fault and I have to make it up to her even though she says that I don't have to worry about it. But sh'e a gemini just like me so i know how fast her mind can change. I really don't want to mess this up. I want this thing to go off very well between us. It's strange ( in a good way) how close we've come in the last few weeks and I don't want to risk it.

Rosa Parks died yesterday. That was a sad piece of news for me. The mother of the civil rights movement has passed on. Sleep well mrs parks. We will never forget you...

I go now to pretend like I'm doing real work for the next 4 hours until I get out of here.

See you Kiddies later!!!!

Que

 

I've been busy as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest!!! It's the busy season in the Transportation business and I'm clocking overtime like a motha!! It'll be all good once i get my check next week, but for right now a nicca is tired. I leave work, sleep, go back to work. I barely get to see my people anymore. I saw my kids for about two hours this morning. I 

In other news...

I am finally over Michelle!!

Remember her? The former love of my life? If not check the archives before you waste a perfectly good blog all over yourself!! She is out of my system finally. She wants to be freinds but I don't think I want to be her friend. Only because she has yet to deal with her personal issues regarding our break up and that causes friction for me. I'm not the same cat I was when we were together, she still is. I have grown, she refuses to. It's like we are on two different levels and I'muncomfortable with that. For now I simply don't call her if i don't have to and i don't make an effort ti be overly friendly when we do talk. Is that wrong? Maybe, but hey, I gotta do what's best for me.

So long for now kiddies,

I promise to bring chocolates and sausages next time you stop bye!!!

Heh heh heh,

Poppaque's sick and demented asss!!!!!

One

 

Hey all. It's been sometime but i am finally back. A lot has happened. The most important thing is that my ex and have found ourselves being not just civil but friendly even. I did not think that it would ever happen, let alone so quickly but it has been a blessing. I get to speak to my daughtes regularly now. We've worked out a visitation schedule and she evenm  hangs out with us sometimes.

The second most important thing to change in my life? I now have a REAL job that could turn into a career if I do the damn thing!! I'm a booking agent for the 2nd largest limousine compnay in the world. I love my job and are extremely bored when i'm not there. I have yet to wake up and dread going to work like i did at that security job and countless others. It's real wprld work. Meaning if I mess up or take something lightly, it can effect a whole lot of people. Our network of offices and affiliates work tirelessly to ensure our clients get what they want and a little more. Unfortunately, I have to deal with uptight celebrities and their agents, snooty Executive assistant's and idiotic underlings but it's all worth it because i have a job I love to do.

 Anyway, it's a new and wonderful life for me now. I am truly blessed and greatful!!

 

Until we read again...

 

PoppaQue!!

Hey Kiddies!!! I know itz been some time since I've updated my page, I don't have the internet access I once had so the updates will be a lil infrequent.

Anyway, I have been busy in the last few weeks, working and hanging out with friends,looking for an apartment and getting to know a special young lady who waltzed into my life in early may...

Her name will be my secret for now. She and I have so much in common that itz almost freaky. We were both born in Brooklyn in the same month of the same year. We like a lot of the same things from foods to movies and music and books (She reads!!! & is not loyal hip hop acolyte!). We're both the youngest and the most troublesome sibling in our families. We both have children by people who  have proven to be other than what they portrayed in the begining. We are both looking for the same things in life and love (though we are taking our time,Neither of us wants to make another mistake). There are so many strange coincidences and similarities for me to list here today. Suffice it to say that I am curious and hopeful as to the final destination of this relationship.

I have moved in with my mother until I can find a place to stay.Things between us have been going better than I thought they would. We used to argue and bicker all the time ,but not so this time. We are actually getting along!

 I have been saving money relentlessly and am now in a position to start looking in earnest for my own piece of NYC. The whole real estate market thing is ridiculously expensive: $1000-$1200/Month for 1 bedroom apts! It's insane. But hey, I gotta pay to play in the greatest city in the world, Brooklyn!!!

My educational plans have been put on hold for the forseeable future due to situations out of my control.I may have to change them completely. Whatever I do will be done with the class and testicular fortitude that my family is known for and expects from each of us.

Well,I gotta go. Bye for now and I wish you all well until we meet again!

 

PoppaQue

 

 

Quick update: New Job, still looking for a place,i'm dating again (the ladies are insane!!). I'm am no longer mourning my lost relationship. I am moving on,thankfully. Didn't think I was gonna make it for a while. Summer is coming and I am free!! Free! Free!! I stopped smoking and drinking heavily. I lost 25 lbs and I am as sexy as ever. The kid is back and better than before!!!! Watch out!!

 

Poppa Que

Hey kiddies. Its been a turbulent week for me. Not too bad, just a lot of soul searching and self examination. I have secluded myself from my family for the time being. Why? Well its because I am still trying to figure out my next move. Where am I going to land next? I see this as an opportunity to begin chasing my own dreams and living my own life,my way. I get excited when I think about my future. I haven't had a future that was completely my own for so long that I almost feel like a kid fresh out of high school with his whole life ahead of him.

But in the back of my mind is the love I lost. Its not so heavy a burden to bear as it was a few weeks ago. But it is still there like a stubborn stain on an otherwise shining hardwood floor. Distance & Time shall heal that particular wound,quickly I pray,quickly and without a scar.

On a good note, I suddenly stopped smoking and drinking a few days ago. I just decided that what I was doing was counter-productive.Both emotionally & physically.Here I was going through one of the most traumatic experiances of my life and there I was too drunk to see the REAL lessons I was supposed to glean from the whole damn thing.Physically,my body is an intrument of wonder. I mean it has stood up to all kinds of abuse over the years. My liver & kidneys should kick my ass for the treatment they recieved from me. I was trying to drown my sorrows with alcohol and stop my dreams with sleeping pills. Not a day went by did I sleep naturally until this morning when I finally took a two hour nap at 6:30 this morning. Waking up without a hangover is strange but something I can definitely get used to.

It would seem that my longest night is coming into dawn. My self imposed exile from the family,my physical cleansing. This is my way of getting prepared for the work ahead as a new man ,in a new world with a new life.  And a new purpose

Morning is coming....

 

I'm getting ready...

 

Q

 

It has been almost a month since I broke up with my fiance. The misery of loss is not so strong now. I have moments when I see two people together obviously in love that I mourn my own love lost. But I smile and say to myself " I will love again".

The hardest part of all this is getting used to looking out for myself before anyone else. I have been protector and provider for so long that it is difficult to fill the time. I am still looking for work. My money is short so I have to pinch pennies. Hanging out consist of walking around Bed stuy doing absolutely nothing until I'm bored enough to go home.

I guess you can say that I am going stir crazy, (just a bit). Not having a schedule or somewhere to be or someone expecting me, after so many years of structure and responsibility all this free time is driving me nuts!

I hope to be employed within a week or so. That'll give me something to do. I'll be looking for an apartment in the coming weeks. That should kill a LOT of time. I figure about 3 more months of up in the air before I am able to settle into a new life completely. I hope to return to school for the summer semester. I had to drop out because I missed to many classes during that two week hell I went through in the begining of all this. Too far behind to catch up so I withdrew so as not to jack up my GPA.

I have learned a lot from all of this. I have come to see just how strong and intelligent I really am. I have also come to realize that my dream of a family was my own,and that I cannot make anyone love me.They will or they won't. I can't control it. I've also come to realize that chasing beauty for the sake of beauty is a fool's race. It takes more than physical attraction to maintain a healthy relationship.

 One of the most important things I'm learning can be summed up in three words: Be Here Now.

 I have to stop worrying about tomorrow and live for today.

So, to a new life and outlook!

Cheers!! []>       <----That's a Beer!!

PoppaQue